it’s the night before my first exam and i’m having a huge freak out. i have never done a subject before that makes me feel so unbelievably stupid. no matter how much work i do, i never seem to feel like it’s enough - there’ll always be something i don’t know, or a case i’ve missed, or a piece of legislation i’ve never heard of. i hate feeling inferior - everyone on my course makes me feel like this. i feel stupid and lost.
i’m doing a degree i hate. i want my 2.2 so i can do my placement and maybe get to love what i’m doing a bit more. why did i do this? i can’t even think why. it was a spur of the moment decision; my college wasn’t very good at suggesting that we do other things other than go to university. now i feel trapped - i’m a failure tbh, i’m so scared i won’t make my parents proud. i want them to be proud of their daughter and her law degree, but i’m so scared that right now i won’t be able to get one.
i feel like a massive waste of space. i have no life plan, i have no where to go after university, i have no passion for my degree and i might end up never using it again. what’s the point? it feels pretty surreal sitting here and thinking i’ll be sitting an exam in about 9 hours time, and i’ll either feel very confident or come out of it crying.
i don’t think i’ll fail this year, i just think i won’t do as well as i should have done. i’m better than what i’m doing now, but doing law isn’t helping me realise this. law makes me want to go to bed and just stay there forever. it’s dull, complicated, penickety and rubbish in general. i’m sick of it, and the way it makes me feel. it makes me feel like i’ll never be good enough to be a solicitor.
i want my 2.1 at the end of it all so i can smile and raise my cap and be happy that it’s over. if i don’t get my placement it won’t be the end of the world, but i will feel like i let myself and my parents down. i’m better than this, but every bit of me wants to get away and do something different, something i love.
floral arrangement, perhaps.
here. i’m really really loving the black boards.
so adorable! this comes from here - a lovely blog about a lady who loves vintage.
given to me by the boy and his parents. it all belonged to his grandma, who recently passed away. i can’t wait to turn the buttons into earrings! and the scissors will last a lifetime.
this really made me feel special. it feels really good knowing that my boy saw these and thought of me. he got it spot on.
i’ve got to stop thinking i’m rubbish, because i’m obviously worth a lot more than rubbish to him.
woke up at 11 am, showered, ate pizza, watched the crystal maze and who want’s to be a millionaire, had sex, napped, ate toast and peanut butter, had a big mug of tea and watched the wire.
i wish everyday could be as carefree as yesterday was.
i’m really in a 1950s pin-up mood. i want a high-waisted satin suspender belt with thick straps holding up sleek stockings, with a string of pearls and a pair of black high heels. basically, i want agent provocateur. i’m pretty sure my boy wouldn’t disapprove either.
where do i belong?
probably not here.
sounds like such an amazing place! you can hire sewing machines by the hour, eat cake and just have fun in france :)
read more here.
storets.com, opening ceremony, asos.com
a graphic novel by craig thompson.